3rd anniversary - or, Happy Lito Day

I'm sitting in the same room where exactly three years ago we said the final goodbye.  (I mean, I said it.  You said nothing.  You just let all the air out, and I mean ALL the air out, and you were done.)  It's the same room where we watched so much golf and football and Arthur and Curious George and Madagascar together.  The room and the couch and the TV and the beer are all still here.  Only you're missing, oh so missing.

We shall visit your grave today and we shall eat something you would have liked (no, we're not going to Fellini's, don't even think about it).  We will cry a little and hopefully laugh a lot.  

Liam in action at Fellini's pizza - her favorite place.  She liked to go there with friends, not with us.  For her, heaven was not something imaginary and not in the sky.  It's half a block from home.  She loved the food, no doubt, but also the freedom, eating without utensils like everybody else, BEING just like everybody else.  Please put the pizza and the salad in front of me.  I can take it from here.

Did you know that spaghetti is also a finger food?

Happy Lito Day.  Lito was one of Liam's many nicknames.  It started from her native American name "Little Toes".  But her parents too often mispronounced it and it cutely became Litoto.  From there the way to just Lito was short.  And that name stuck.

Leo

I’m all showered and clean now, sitting on the couch.  On the TV there’s some meaningless sports.  The couch is where Leo and I used to hang together.  But he’s not next to me right now.  He’s in the back yard.

A holiday Sunday.  My plans were to watch some soccer with a friend and then to do some fun stuff with the family.  As I was getting up I noticed that our young cat, Nikita, is acting strange.  For one, she is rarely home at this time of the morning.  She usually eats and asks to leave right away.  But here she was, scratching the bedroom door for attention.  She already ate, so what could she want?  She then followed me to the bathroom - another unusual behavior.  But I didn’t give it much thought.  My breakfast was ready and there was a game waiting for me.  As I was taking the first bite I asked Rachel if Leo ate his breakfast yet.  She said she has not seen him all morning.  I glanced through the window to the front yard - - - and I saw him there - - - like you never want to see your cat.  He was dead.  Maybe butchered is a better word to describe what I saw.  Not a pretty sight, to say the least.  

I saw many dead domesticated animals in my lifetime - dogs, cats, horses, goats, and many more.  Most of them I had an emotional bond with.  Each loss was tough.  You never get used to it.  A loss is a loss is a loss.  However, unlike all previous losses, this loss is sort of “nature” doing it’s thing - that is, if you can call coyote living among us and chewing on our pets ‘nature’.  In the early 1990’s we lost our beloved Persian cat, Poly, in a similar way.  He was caught by a few unleashed dogs.  After this “murder” I was so mad I wanted to kill those dogs.  This is no exaggeration.  But being the the lawful citizen that I am and not living on a kibbutz in Israel with a gun, I just had to swallow my anger.  This time I’m not angry.  I’m sad, but the coyotes did what they do naturally.     

And just like that our life got another sudden and unexpected blow.  Leo was one of the family.  We adopted him 11 years ago.  For a long time he was our only cat - until Nikita came along after Liam passed.  Leo enjoyed the status of a lone “child” and all of the sudden there’s this noisy and demanding kitten next to him.  He didn’t like the change.  But with time they learned to love each other.  When I spotted his corpse I finally understood Nikita’s odd behavior.  She tried to to tell me something.  She knew what we dared not dream of.  (Well, to be honest, we knew of the existence of coyotes in the neighborhood.  We chose not to hold the cats indoor - to let them be cats.  For such a long time, despite the repeating warnings, nothing bad happened.  And now this.  Would we have done it any differently?  I don’t know.  Would we keep Nikita indoor now?  Maybe for a short while, but it remains to be seen.)

On Wednesday it’ll be Liam’s 3rd anniversary.  Wednesday is constantly on our mind this weekend.  And now this.  A fresh loss.

As we were spending the very first moments together after discovering Leo, crying, hugging - I was thinking how much hardship Meitav already been through in her short life.  And now this.  Another blow.  And I was thinking how strong, tough, and resilient  we all are, how we understand each other with very few words that have to be spoken.  And I was also thinking about the lesson we all learn:  how to survive anything.

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But now it was time to bury Leo.  First I had to dig a deep, deep hole through the tough, dense Georgia clay.  Now, I’m not an experienced manual laborer.  These days are behind me - at least that’s what I thought.  Now I’m a white collar guy.  On top of that, I have plenty of injuries, aches, etc.  I’m not built for this kind of labor.  But I had a job to do.  It took me over three hours to go three feet down.  I hate this kind of work, but at least it kept me busy both physically and mentally.  This is not the first time I’m doing such of job.  Before Leo came I had to bury his predecessor.  The hardest moment is when you lay the corpse in the hole and start covering it.  You still see the face that you love, the eyes that looked at you just a few hours ago.  And now you cover them with a shovel full of dirt.  You’re forced to move on to the next chapter.  To rely from now on on photos and memories.  

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As tough as the loss is, it comes with a heavy dose of love and the thanks.

• I'm thankful for the fact that I found Leo and nobody else did.
• The love that Leo gave and received.  And thanking him for the good years he gave us.
• The love our family have for each other - and our pets - and the strength we draw from it. `tis something to be thankful for.
• Thanking the fact that Meitav has good friends that support her at this tough time.
  
  

I think I can go on and on, but there’s some meaningless sports on TV that keeps calling me.

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It’s thundering outside.  Leo used to run home when it was thundering, either cuddling with one of us or hiding under the bed.  He is not here now.  He’s in the back yard.  For ever.  Sorry, boy.

(I'm not sure what possesses me to post all this so freshly. Maybe it's my self healing process that kicks in. Get it out. Don't hold it in. Maybe, I don't know.)

How to buy/sell strange bike

Buy:

I got into biking late in life (well, I grew up on bike in the kibbutz, but that was for everyday use, not for sports), only after my back gave way to soccer/windsurfing/horseback riding and my knee gave way to jogging.  In late 2007 my back gave way a second time, forcing me off my hybrid bike.  I was looking for an alternative to stay active but also pain free.

When I purchased my first recumbent bike in 2008, I drove 2.5 hours to see this wonderful guy, Art, who sells bike out of his garage in Signal Mountain, TN.  Art hosted me a full day teaching me how to ride recumbent, showing me different models, adjusting different bikes, talking, talking, talking with a lot of riding in between.  I explained to Art about my many injuries and body limitations and he did his best to find what would suit me the best.  He and his wonderful wife, Ann, even fed me two meals.  When I left their house in the evening, I was well fed and had a lot of bike info to process - but I didn't buy anything from him because I'm a person who has to check everything from a 1000 different angles.  The price tag also intimidated me.

Indeed, in the next several weeks I test ridden several more bikes all around the southeast.  Eventually, after 6 weeks of research both online and in person, I went back to Art (for another meal, of course) and bought the bike from him.  

Sell:

Today I sold the bike.  At 10 am I received an email showing interest in the bike.  Even before she came the lady already started bargaining with me over the price.  Now, I'm not a slaseman - not even close to it.  But I was able to explain to her why this bike might be a better choice for her over other used bike that she mentioned, at $200 less.  Within less than an hour I met her and her husband on the Belline.  The conversation was rather brief.  The lady sat on the bike - she have never ridden a recumbent in her life before; she didn't know how to pedal or how to brake.  You see, in recumbent you really need to learn a new balance.  Anyway, she rode the bike for less than a 100 yards, got off, look at her husband and said "I like it....honey, can we get it?"  Shortly after we closed the deal. WOW!  I mean, maybe I'm over-learning everything, but talk about fast (and shallow)! Oh well...

Bye-bye bike.  You served me well, but now I'm happy to see you go.

2013 Spin for Kids

When Liam was still with us, one of her favorite things of all was Focus family weekend at Camp Twin Lakes.  (Must clarify immediately:  I do not care to sleep in the same cabin and share facilities with two other families.  My kibbutz and military days are long gone.  On top of that, no alcohol....what the hell?  What kind of camp is this anyway???)  But back to the subject:  For the girls it was a blast - all the different activities, the dining hall, the food (ok, maybe I got too carried away here...), and mostly, the altogether happy atmosphere of the weekend.  

Ever since we learned of CTL, I made it a habit to help raise funds for their camp program every year.  That's the least I can do on my part to help kids with special needs.  The deal is this:  I'll be riding my bike for so-and-so miles, and I'm asking you to support me in that effort.  (Some would say I do it all for the free beer at the end of the bike ride.  Obviously, such poor souls don't know how much of a beer snob I am.  I don't drink ANY beer just because it's free....) But again, we got off track.  It takes a lot of money and effort to send kids with special needs to such camps.  It requires a full medical staff (including specialists), special medical equipment (think oxygen machines, heart monitors....the list is too long), special sleep accommodations, and much, much more.  The list is long and expansive.  Things that you and I take for granted in our everyday life, are tall mountains to climb for such kids.  I know it all too well.

So here we are again, 2 months or so from this year Spin For Kids.  My knee is far from being a 100% but nevertheless I signed up for the 50 miles.  If those special kids - not special need kids, just special kids - can do all the special things they do every day - from holding a toothbrush to attempting a walker - I don't have the heart to complain about my ailments.  (And truly, regardless of my lame attempt to make excuses for myself already, the campaign is waaaay more important than myself here.)  So I'm asking you to please support me.  Here's my donation page.  

And remember, the money is not for me personally but to help send those special kids to camp.

Thanks!  

(If you already donated, many many thanks.)

Another trace gone

This weekend we (my beer, eh, dear assistant, JS, and myself) disassembled and removed Liam's  ceiling lift system.  This system was installed when Liam was still at her best - and getting too heavy for my broken back.  It really changed our life.  We no longer had to lift Liam ourselves, awkwardly, for all the different transfers: from bed to the wheelchair, to the toilet/shower, to the floor - and the other way around.  Before the lift it was getting too difficult and often too dangerous.  A little slip in the shower could have ended in a disaster.  Fortunately, this never happen, but it was pure luck.  Also, most operations required the two of us.  The lift allowed one person to safely give Liam full care.

In the beginning, as much as we loved it, Liam was suspicious of this new device.  But with time she got used to it and I think she even liked it.  It gave her a sense of adulthood (maybe) - getting her privacy "there" like the rest of us; although she was completely depended on a facilitator for the transfer, we no longer carried a teenager like a baby.  I think Liam appreciated that.  

For several years now we tried to donate the system, but with no luck.  There were no takers. Now that we dismounted it, I can see why.  It is not easy to install, it has to be done by an experienced and authorized professional.  Additionally, this system was modified for the specific layout of Liam's room.  It would take further modifications and customizations to fit a different setup.  (The lift is sitting disassembled on the floor.  If anybody who reads this post know of a family or an institution who might be able to use it - despite the challenges -  please speak now.  Otherwise it's going to scrap metal.)

We thought it would be an easy job.  Open 15-30 nuts and you're done.  Ah, hmm, NO!  Easy it was not.  JS said it best: "The funny thing with kids is that they keep you busy even when they're not around....the gift that keeps on giving."  How true.

So anyway, now the system is down and the holes are patched and the walls are on their way to be fully repaired (I just LOVE working with sheetrock....the messy joint compound, the thin white dust that infiltrate every corner of the house....fun, fun, fun...)  But while I'm happy to see it gone, I can't help but also feel a small pinch in my heart.  Another piece of Liam is gone.  

Get rid of unwelcomed update - Mac

I;m writing this post for the benefit of poor souls like me, who get stuck with this weird thing.

Recently a strange thing showed up on my Macbook Pro (10.8.4): An update for an app called "Itsy" - apparently some type of twitter flavor.

But what the hell is Itsy?  A search on the entire computer revealed nothing.  I couldn't find it and could not get rid of the update suggestion.  Just for the sport I thought to accept the update and see what happens.  This is what happened:

What the ....?

But now I had something I could google.  Sure enough, I got plenty of hits with similar complaints - but none identical.  I was back to square one.  I called Apple support.  After 2-3 days of interaction with senior third tier support who couldn't help, I was able to find somebody at itsyapp.com.  This guy could not help either, but his google yielded better results than mine.  He sent me here and wished me luck.  The instructions in that link did not work for me, but were close enough for me to try something,  So here it goes:

 Open terminal.

su -

As root, changed directory to / (or maybe it was /Volumes/Macintosh HD, I can't remember).

Next:     

     $ find . -name receipt > /tmp/receipt.res

This yielded two results.  

From the command prompt I executed the 'strings' command on each file.

                    $  strings <file name> | less
         

One of the files contained the string Itsy.  BINGO!

It was named "/Applications/Chopper 2/..../receipt".

At this point I simply located "Chopper 2" in the finder and dragged it to trash.

Emptied trash.

Rebooted.

Problem gone.

The unbelievably brilliant and disappointing Obama trip

This week, as you well know by now, president Obama visited Israel, the Palestinian Authority, and Jordan.  This was a well planned and even better executed trip.  But why did he go on this trip?  Did he want to fix his relationships with Bibi Netanyahu?  Sure, but that wasn’t the major goal.  Did he intend to encourage young Israelis to push their government to work toward peace with the Palestinians?  Sure, but that too wasn’t the major goal.  Does he want to see any such peace talks?  I’m sure he does, but he didn’t do anything to push the parties into conversations - not in the first four years of his administration and neither in this trip.

Don’t let the mending of the broken relationships with Netanyahu fool you; don’t confuse the warm atmosphere Obama enjoyed everywhere he went in Israel with the real goal for his visit.  All are important in themselves, but all just a sideshow, a preparation for the real reason he flew in.  

The major goal of this trip, to my opinion, was to lay the ground ready for a possible military option against Iran.  In order to do that, Obama needed Turkey onboard.  Since Israel is the second major power in potentially fighting Iran and since the Turkish military depends heavily on weapons made by Israel, it was important for Obama to have Turkey and Israel talking to each other again.  The phone call from Netanyahu to the Turkish PM Erdogan as Obama was preparing to depart Israel was not a coincidence.  It was not a by-the-way of the last moment.  It was well planned in advanced.  First he fooled Netanyahu to think they are really friends, then he easily convinced him to call Erdogan and apologize for the Marmara incident - something Netanyahu refused to do since.  A small phone call set the stage for a future use of an American-Israeli cooperation against Iran, using Turkish airfields and air space.  Obama made it all the way from the US and spent three days in Israel schmoozing, attending ceremonies, giving lectures - all in preparation for this one phone call between Netanyahu and Erdogan.  A brilliant plan.

Winners and losers:

Winners:

• Obama, of course - he achieved everything in his plan in this trip.  The most important of them all is the resumed relationships between Turkey and Israel, as explained above.  Next to them is the good atmosphere and the positive energy he generated among Israelis.

• Netanyahu - he won in three major areas:

1. Obama never mentioned the illegal settlement expansion.  This is a subject close to Netanyahu’s heart.  By not saying a word about it, Obama signaled to Netanyahu “carry on....we’ll continue to keep a blind eye”.
2. Turkey is an important ally to Israel in a Muslim neighborhood.  A simple “I’m sorry” restored that fragile dynamics.
3. Similar to Obama, Erdogan, by accepting Netanyahu’s apology, made it clear that relationships with Israel is more important to him after all, than pushing his head into the Israeli-Palestinian mess.  Both Israel and Turkey made mistakes during the Marmara incident.  Neither country knew how to climb down from the tree she climbed on.  But now that relationships are restored, it is as if Erdogan too said to Netanyahu “carry on”.  

Losers:

• The Palestinians - sorry, Obama simply dumped them for the greater goal.
• Erdogan - as explained above, by accepting Israel’s apology, he showed his real face - how little he cares about the Palestinians.  (That is understandable, BTW.  He has plenty of problems at home.  He just realized he should have stayed out of it all along.)
• The state of Israel - This is the most disappointing part of the Obama trip.  He did not put any pressure whatsoever on Netanyahu to stop the expansion of the settlements in the occupied territories.  By not doing so Obama joined all previous US presidents in their inability or not-wishing-to bring the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to an end.  Only American pressure on Israel can help resolve this, but this is a topic for another day.  Until then, the status quo will continue, with the Palestinians remaining under occupation.

BTW, I was listening to so-called “experts” analyzing the trip on the radio in the last few days.  None of them mentioned any of the above.  Most of them mentioned the “new commitment for the peace process”.  And I’m thinking “huh?  what commitment?  He just pushed the Palestinians aside”.  The reality is that in 65 years no American president did anything serious enough to bring the sides to a long-term solution (but as I said, that is a topic for a later post - maybe).  The Palestinians are simply unlucky now with all the shit that goes on in the middle-east.  They’re too small and irrelevant to the US.  It’s sad, but true.  There was a time that it was thought that if the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved, it’d preempt most of the other instability in the region - and specifically the hostility toward Israel and America.  But that is not the case anymore.  It’s clear that even if this conflict is resolved at best it’d leave a small dent on the whole middle-east mess.  The middle-east countries for their part are deep in their own mess, while the global dislike (to put it mildly) to the US has its own agenda, completely unrelated to the Israeli-Palestinian mess.

P.S.  I wrote all the above late Friday, when I was tired from the whole week.  I didn’t take the time to check the text for grammatical and other errors, to which I’m famous for.  It was more important for me to write it all down and publish it while it’s fresh on my mind.  Some corrections/additions may come at a later time.

Happy would-have-been 18th birthday

 

  Emphasis on “happy”.  Because who would be a better example than Liam of how to be happy?  Despite all her limitations and disabilities, she was a happy girl almost all the time.  She did not need big reasons.  Small things here and now made her happy:  yummy food, monkey on TV, a computer game, company (and food), the outdoors (and food)....the list is long.  But most of all, Liam did not do the complicated calculations (we do) of who were her friends (or rather, why she didn’t have friends like most teenagers), how difficult it was to hold her body upright, why she’s stuck in a wheelchair while everybody else is walking/running.  Some may say she didn’t do those calculations because of her limited brain activity.  Maybe.  But I think otherwise: she was JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE.  She was happy with herself and who she was and it reflected on everybody around her.  

  Don’t get the wrong impression.  There were many unhappy - not to say difficult - moments (and hours into the night and weeks).  Right next to her disability, as if that wasn’t enough, she experienced a lot of pain, upset stomach, chronic constipation....alright, we’ll stop here.  The list is long.  But the point is that regardless of all those and despite them, Liam was a happy person.

  Which begs the question:  If such a disabled and disadvantaged girl was able to be happy with who she was, why do the rest of us need a reason to be happy?  We’re not happy because of employment (or lack of), money, a bunch of disorders (food, drugs....you know, the usual list), family, society, etc.  Once again, the list is long.  For a matter of fact, the list might be endless.  We can find any reason in the world to be unhappy and stick to it, insist on it.  If you think about it, there are people who have more than enough (good things) and they’re still unhappy.  People are bitching and complaining and are blaming the world.  

 The flip side is that we need no reason at all to be happy.  We can simply decide that we’re happy regardless of the results.  Shit will still happen:  loss of employment, illness, coping with your own weaknesses, and the rest of life events.  But at the end of the day, you have to answer two questions:
1.  What is happiness (to me)?
2.  Am I happy?
Nobody can ask those questions for you and nobody can answer them for you.  There can be many “helpers” to get to happiness - love, family, community, even-money, beer-must-be-on-any-happy-list.  But ultimately these are just tools.  Ultimately you’d have to make a choice whether to be happy or not.  

 Just to be sure we understand each other, being happy does not necessarily mean to get up with a smile on your face every morning or to walk around all jolly.  Happiness means that you can look inside of yourself at any given time and accept who you are.  That’s the gist of it.  It does not mean that you don’t need to improve yourself, but acceptance at any given point is the key to this whole talk.  And I’m pretty sure somewhere in the above I should have inserted that you better be happy with what you have than bitch about what you don’t have - another key ingredient.  (But I’m a poor writer and a lazy one too, so you get a fair argument written poorly....sorry.)

And if you don’t know how to be happy, how to break the ice - go ask kids like Liam.  Go spend time with such incredible people.  They will teach you - I guarantee it (but remember, at the end of the day it’s up to you to be happy).  

 Alright, enough with that blah-blah.  This lecture ended up a lot longer than I intended, which does not make me happy....oops....

That’s Liam’s legacy.