Despite her many disabilities and in addition to the classical therapies, throughout her life Liam was always very physically active: dance, biking, swimming, horseback riding (hipotherapy), baseball. Here a short collection from some of her riding lessons. Like so many other things in her short life, the riding period is also characterized by two periods: before the 2005/2006 orthopedic surgeries, and after them. The below selection is from before that period. After those surgeries her sitting was a bit more stable on the one hand, but on the other hand, she never enjoyed riding again like she did before. She was less comfortable - maybe even in pain.
As you can see, in this clip collection Liam looks very happy, cooperating, joyful. To be fair and honest and realistic, not all riding lessons were like this. Sometimes she would whine, even cry (although, more so after the surgeries then before). Despite it being difficult on her, Liam always asked about riding and was proud to talk about it. It should also be noted that she rode in all weather conditions: when it was freezing cold, and windy, as well as in the heat of the summer.
About this clip: It was cut-paste-made out of longer pieces. You can tell by the scenery. Well, I'm searching for words to describe what's in the clip, but you can see for yourself. The only things I think to add is that the screaming is all joy. It's especially true for the last clip. Liam LOVED speed & bump. It was too hard for the volunteers to keep up with her wish to trot, trot, trot.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Denial? Who, me?
Pain and sorrow
I recently heard an Israeli young footballer (that's soccer player, you ignorant Americans) talks about a recent loss of his dad, also an ex-player, to a motorcycle accident. The youngster commented that "the sorrow and pain will remain with him forever". It's the forever part which got my attention. I feel sorry for him and wish that he'll find that the pain and the sorrow do not HAVE TO linger forever. We can cherish the memories, the love, the laughs - as well as the bad times - without surrounding ourselves with the cloud of sorrow and sadness. Why can't we put these two aside and move on without them? I know, I know, you're right: easier said than done. Well, here I am. I'm saying it and doing it all the same. Too many of us fall into the sadness & sorrow & pain trap. Too many find it difficult to let go of. Too many CHOOSE to stay in it. Well, not me, sorry. I mean, I hope that I'm not in it too. Right now I don't feel any of those.
Loss
While each one of us copes differently with pain ans sorrow, we all have a lot in common when it comes to the loss itself. There are many types of loss: death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, etc., etc., etc. The list is long. Really, Asher? Do you compare layoffs to the death of a loved one? Absolutely. A loss is a loss is a loss, and since I [unfortunately] experienced both too many times, I feel qualified to testify. So Asher, did you feel pain and sorrow associated with any of your many losses? Absolutely, but none of those lingered for long. While I can't change the loss - it will remain that way forever - I can change how I feel about the loss. I believe that there's no single feeling that we cannot recover our soul from.
Summary - or maybe this is just the beginning?
Where does all this blah-blah takes us? Back to the top. To the question about the "forever" statement. Somehow for me the joy of life puts the pain & sorrow in the box where they belong and I don't suffer from them. It just happens naturally for me. I'm not sure how or why. I loved both my parents very much, but he brief pain I felt when they died never lingered. It's very similar with Liam now. Do I feel sad at times? Sure, but only very briefly, and never any pain. I often ask myself if something is wrong with me. How come I don't feel any pain when I lost her, part of me, the sunshine of my life? I don't know. Maybe I'm emotionally disabled when it comes to those things. Do I wish she was still here? While I miss her terribly (and some tears are wetting me as I'm writing these words), nature took its course and I'm ok with it. There were physical reasons why Liam died. It was the most painful decision to let her go and stop the suffering (here are some more tears again), but it's done. I'm accepting it now and I'm not looking back. Not because "there's no good in it"; not because I'm forcing myself not to deal with the past. Simply because it is what it is. I fully accept it. And that, right there, is the separation between the loss and the pain+sorrow package.
So this is not really a summary, but rather a fresh beginning of a new way. It's possible that months or years from now I'll read this blog and say "bot, was I in denial back then". Maybe. But that's how I feel now. No pain, no sorrow.
============
Egypt
Many people asked me recently what are my thoughts about Egypt. Well, just like the rest of the world, I have no idea where all this will end. But I'm pretty sure it will not end in an immediate, lovely, peaceful democracy. Here's why. Really there are several outcomes:
Stay the hell out of it!!!!! Don't show public support neither for the current regime nor for the people. Just shut up and stay out of the way. Here's why:
Bottom line(s): It's a complex, complex situation. While many in the west cheer in solidarity with the freedom seeking Egyptians, there's really no easy solution here. If the country was wealthy, like Saudi Arabia, Qatar or Kuwait - all wealthy dictatorships - I'm sure that people would have had less of a reason to voice themselves. But under the current condition they live in, they felt they had to take action. I applaud them for it. I'm just not sure if at the end of the day the people will be happier than they were before it all started. Meanwhile, we (the west) has to realize that what started now is just the beginning of what might be a long process. It's not gonna be fast and easy. It is likely to get ugly before any good comes out of it. For right now we just have to lay low and wait - since we can't help it anyway.
I recently heard an Israeli young footballer (that's soccer player, you ignorant Americans) talks about a recent loss of his dad, also an ex-player, to a motorcycle accident. The youngster commented that "the sorrow and pain will remain with him forever". It's the forever part which got my attention. I feel sorry for him and wish that he'll find that the pain and the sorrow do not HAVE TO linger forever. We can cherish the memories, the love, the laughs - as well as the bad times - without surrounding ourselves with the cloud of sorrow and sadness. Why can't we put these two aside and move on without them? I know, I know, you're right: easier said than done. Well, here I am. I'm saying it and doing it all the same. Too many of us fall into the sadness & sorrow & pain trap. Too many find it difficult to let go of. Too many CHOOSE to stay in it. Well, not me, sorry. I mean, I hope that I'm not in it too. Right now I don't feel any of those.
Loss
While each one of us copes differently with pain ans sorrow, we all have a lot in common when it comes to the loss itself. There are many types of loss: death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, etc., etc., etc. The list is long. Really, Asher? Do you compare layoffs to the death of a loved one? Absolutely. A loss is a loss is a loss, and since I [unfortunately] experienced both too many times, I feel qualified to testify. So Asher, did you feel pain and sorrow associated with any of your many losses? Absolutely, but none of those lingered for long. While I can't change the loss - it will remain that way forever - I can change how I feel about the loss. I believe that there's no single feeling that we cannot recover our soul from.
Summary - or maybe this is just the beginning?
Where does all this blah-blah takes us? Back to the top. To the question about the "forever" statement. Somehow for me the joy of life puts the pain & sorrow in the box where they belong and I don't suffer from them. It just happens naturally for me. I'm not sure how or why. I loved both my parents very much, but he brief pain I felt when they died never lingered. It's very similar with Liam now. Do I feel sad at times? Sure, but only very briefly, and never any pain. I often ask myself if something is wrong with me. How come I don't feel any pain when I lost her, part of me, the sunshine of my life? I don't know. Maybe I'm emotionally disabled when it comes to those things. Do I wish she was still here? While I miss her terribly (and some tears are wetting me as I'm writing these words), nature took its course and I'm ok with it. There were physical reasons why Liam died. It was the most painful decision to let her go and stop the suffering (here are some more tears again), but it's done. I'm accepting it now and I'm not looking back. Not because "there's no good in it"; not because I'm forcing myself not to deal with the past. Simply because it is what it is. I fully accept it. And that, right there, is the separation between the loss and the pain+sorrow package.
So this is not really a summary, but rather a fresh beginning of a new way. It's possible that months or years from now I'll read this blog and say "bot, was I in denial back then". Maybe. But that's how I feel now. No pain, no sorrow.
============
Egypt
Many people asked me recently what are my thoughts about Egypt. Well, just like the rest of the world, I have no idea where all this will end. But I'm pretty sure it will not end in an immediate, lovely, peaceful democracy. Here's why. Really there are several outcomes:
- Either Mubarak gets his act together and restore order, which means many many will die. Or...
- He'd be ousted. In that case there are severl options too:
- The military will take over and restore order. Again, many will die in the process and eventually the status-quo will remain (for the people).
- There will be some interim government until there are elections.
- Well, what abut elections?
- While we, in the west, know how to appreciate democracy, not every society in the world is ready for it. Egypt, for example, is one of them. The people do not know how to live under a democratic system, how to elect officials, how to obey the law peacefully. For generations upon generations these people were ruled and led by power. This is not to say they can't learn how to form democracy and maintain it, but it cannot be an overnight process, like the demonstrators demand and the western media suggest.
- There's no one or even two major parties in Egypt. Democratic elections probably means that there would be no clear cut winners. Any government formed would be a coalition of several parties. And for a young democracy that could mean more chaos for the first few years (if not decades).
- The door is open for the Muslim Brotherhood, the largest party among the opposition, to be a major force in the new government, maybe even lead the coalition (and the country).
- But above all those points the question remains: Whatever the outcome of all this is, then what? How will that change the future of Egypt? Remember, the chaos is not just a thirst for democracy. It's basically about economics, hunger, unemployment, poor education, poor health system, etc., etc., etc. Well, whoever finds himself at the helm after the dust is settled down, it won't be easy for them to provide immediate solutions to these problems. The country is too poor, too corrupt, too much populated for its resources. So how come we never heard of Egypt's problems before? Because the people had no voice and the dictatorship swept the problems under the rug.
Stay the hell out of it!!!!! Don't show public support neither for the current regime nor for the people. Just shut up and stay out of the way. Here's why:
- If America supports the current regime and that regime is ousted, then we most likely ruin relations with the next regime. And meanwhile, we look to the world as a bunch of greedy SOB's (which America is) to support Mubarak and oppress democracy.
- If, on the other hand, the US supports the demonstrators, then:
- If Mubarak overcomes, we lost an ally.
- If there are free elections, is the US okay with the fact the Muslim Brotherhood form the next government? (A reminder: the US supported free elections in the Gaza strip and Lebanon, both of which brought Hamas and Hizbullah to the governments, respectively.
Bottom line(s): It's a complex, complex situation. While many in the west cheer in solidarity with the freedom seeking Egyptians, there's really no easy solution here. If the country was wealthy, like Saudi Arabia, Qatar or Kuwait - all wealthy dictatorships - I'm sure that people would have had less of a reason to voice themselves. But under the current condition they live in, they felt they had to take action. I applaud them for it. I'm just not sure if at the end of the day the people will be happier than they were before it all started. Meanwhile, we (the west) has to realize that what started now is just the beginning of what might be a long process. It's not gonna be fast and easy. It is likely to get ugly before any good comes out of it. For right now we just have to lay low and wait - since we can't help it anyway.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Blog about the blog
My claim to fame
Several months ago I was interviewed by the Atlanta Parent Magazine about blogging. The article is now published in the February issue (warning: a large PDF). Page 45. The photo was taken in March of 2009, during Meitav's Bat Mitsvah. (But really, my claim to fame came, no shame, although a bit lame, in the mid 1970's. A team of ITT TV photographers filmed me for 3 days in the kibbutz for The Big Blue Marble as the boy from Israel. No less. I never got to watch the episode. If any of the readers here has the series recorded, I'd love to see it.)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Chocolate
In addition to her special education class at Mary Lin Elementary, Liam had private lessons with Richard Kaplan. Most of us learn how to read by repeating the letters and memorizing them. Liam's brain was unable to learn in the same way. Richard employed a method by which you first identify a picture or a symbol with the word written under it. Then over time and practice the symbol is being removed and the readers learns how to identify the word and then the letters. Per Richard, he's working not with just kids with special needs but also with [professional, successful and highly skilled] adults with a range of issues (dyslexia, etc.)
Here's a short clip that was cut out from about a 45 minutes session. As you can see, Liam reads this sentence right after she arrives for the lesson. In other words, she did not practice this sentence that day before this shooting was taken. But not all days were that successful. Sometimes Richard and Liam had to work together on just 2-3 words for many many minutes. Still, it's quite amazing to see what kind of progress she made in a short time.
This video was shot in 2003, when Liam was 8 years old. Remember that until age 3 she went through several brain surgeries. Her development had a late start and was set even further back due to the damaged brain (caused by the pre-surgeries seizures). So effectively, she's 4-5 years old in this video, academically speaking. Until 2006 Liam continued to make progress. Then things started slowing down. But that is a story for another time. Now it's time to simply enjoy.
Here's a short clip that was cut out from about a 45 minutes session. As you can see, Liam reads this sentence right after she arrives for the lesson. In other words, she did not practice this sentence that day before this shooting was taken. But not all days were that successful. Sometimes Richard and Liam had to work together on just 2-3 words for many many minutes. Still, it's quite amazing to see what kind of progress she made in a short time.
This video was shot in 2003, when Liam was 8 years old. Remember that until age 3 she went through several brain surgeries. Her development had a late start and was set even further back due to the damaged brain (caused by the pre-surgeries seizures). So effectively, she's 4-5 years old in this video, academically speaking. Until 2006 Liam continued to make progress. Then things started slowing down. But that is a story for another time. Now it's time to simply enjoy.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Margarita(s)
Grief vs. Mourning
"So, how are you doing, Asher" people ask me. "How is it going" and "how are these days" (after Liam's death), "how are you coping" and etc. such questions. I'm sort of ok, I think, but am not sure how to answer such questions. The answer in most cases is not a simple one.
Since I speak fluent English only during sporting events, I tried to look-up the differences between grief and mourning and see where I fit into it. If you google it, you'd find tons of pages dealing with the subject, but the gist of it is (copied from one web site):
Ok, so where am I in all this? Do I grieve? Most definitely. I don't think I'm experiencing any of the above, but I'm sad occasionally.
Do I mourn? Also "yes". Tears still flood me every now and then (but than again, I was always a cry-baby). I remember when growing up in Israel, when a family lost a loved one during a war or other security-related incident, the family - specifically the parents - became heart-broken. The light in their eyes was gone - FOREVER. Their whole being reflected the pain and sadness ALL THE TIME. It was terrible to witness it, but that was also part of such society (which is living in survival mode for generations).
Well, I'm not like that. Even when I'm sad, it only lasts a few seconds, maybe a few minutes. Never lasts longer than that. Otherwise, I'm pretty good. I live, I lough, I enjoy what's here and now. At the same time, sometimes there are "sadder" moments:
Facebook
I'm not sure I get it when people put such status on Facebook as "going to the park" or "sitting on the porch" or "sitting at the airport....heading to so-and-so". Like who gives a rat's ass? (And I admit I'm probably do it too - occasionally.) And then the rest of us put a "Like" on such status. WHY????
Sometimes I feel like putting the status "just returned from the cemetery....nothing changed there". Can you guess how many "Like"s I will get, boys and girls?
Snow
(Just for documentation purposes: on 1/9/11 a major winter storm dumped 4-5 inches of snow on Atlanta.)
I took a walk today to check out the roads (what? no, not for the exercise...who gave you that idea?) Saw very few cars. Idiots? Not necessarily. I'm not making any judgment. Some people HAVE TO get to work. So let's see:
So when I took a walk today I was thinking:
If Liam was still alive, it would have been a nightmare to get her out of the house. Never mind clearing the driveway (which is a difficult task on its own), but how would the wheelchair make it in the snow? And, never mind going for a walk either. What if we needed to rush her to the hospital, like we did so many times last winter?
----
But, it's NFL playoff time. And when Liam heard football and margarita in the same conversation, her eyes shined. She knew.
"So, how are you doing, Asher" people ask me. "How is it going" and "how are these days" (after Liam's death), "how are you coping" and etc. such questions. I'm sort of ok, I think, but am not sure how to answer such questions. The answer in most cases is not a simple one.
Since I speak fluent English only during sporting events, I tried to look-up the differences between grief and mourning and see where I fit into it. If you google it, you'd find tons of pages dealing with the subject, but the gist of it is (copied from one web site):
Grief is the collection of emotions felt after a loss. It includes denial, shock, pain, confusion, and isolation. These feelings help us process loss. Grief is normal after the death of a loved one, loss of a home to fire.....
Mourning is the outward manifestation of grief. It differs by religion, culture, gender, age, and other variables. Crying is an example of mourning.
Ok, so where am I in all this? Do I grieve? Most definitely. I don't think I'm experiencing any of the above, but I'm sad occasionally.
Do I mourn? Also "yes". Tears still flood me every now and then (but than again, I was always a cry-baby). I remember when growing up in Israel, when a family lost a loved one during a war or other security-related incident, the family - specifically the parents - became heart-broken. The light in their eyes was gone - FOREVER. Their whole being reflected the pain and sadness ALL THE TIME. It was terrible to witness it, but that was also part of such society (which is living in survival mode for generations).
Well, I'm not like that. Even when I'm sad, it only lasts a few seconds, maybe a few minutes. Never lasts longer than that. Otherwise, I'm pretty good. I live, I lough, I enjoy what's here and now. At the same time, sometimes there are "sadder" moments:
- When I'm thinking about Liam's very last minutes, the very last breaths she took.
- When somebody, who didn't know about her ordeal, asks about her (and I have to tell the whole story...wish I could just "throw" the blog on them and say here, read that).
- Sometimes when just the three of us sit together for dinner. Even during some of the most difficult times in the hospital, we were still a complete family. Divided, suffering, tired, but one whole family.
- When I visit her grave. (I'm trying to time it such that after that I'll pay another visit to Nuevo Laredo, which is located just outside the cemetery gates....maybe I should reverse the strategy. Maybe after a few margaritas the visit to the grave will be a bit easier.)
- When I lay in bed and look at her pictures.
- When I say the words "Liam is dead".
I'm not sure I get it when people put such status on Facebook as "going to the park" or "sitting on the porch" or "sitting at the airport....heading to so-and-so". Like who gives a rat's ass? (And I admit I'm probably do it too - occasionally.) And then the rest of us put a "Like" on such status. WHY????
Sometimes I feel like putting the status "just returned from the cemetery....nothing changed there". Can you guess how many "Like"s I will get, boys and girls?
Snow
(Just for documentation purposes: on 1/9/11 a major winter storm dumped 4-5 inches of snow on Atlanta.)
I took a walk today to check out the roads (what? no, not for the exercise...who gave you that idea?) Saw very few cars. Idiots? Not necessarily. I'm not making any judgment. Some people HAVE TO get to work. So let's see:
- Driving slowly with two hands on the wheel on a major road - ah, you got the benefit of the doubt.
- Speeding on an icy road - not smart.
- Looking for an open restaurant - common!!
- Talking on the phone while driving in these conditions? Yes, you're an idiot.
So when I took a walk today I was thinking:
If Liam was still alive, it would have been a nightmare to get her out of the house. Never mind clearing the driveway (which is a difficult task on its own), but how would the wheelchair make it in the snow? And, never mind going for a walk either. What if we needed to rush her to the hospital, like we did so many times last winter?
----
But, it's NFL playoff time. And when Liam heard football and margarita in the same conversation, her eyes shined. She knew.
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