Happy Passover - the morning after

But don't confuse my observation of the Hebrew bible in specific or religions in general, with what I do and how I live my life.  So for example, despite my "Happy Passover" post from below - i.e., despite the fact that none of this really happened - I celebrated Passover with my family just the same.  

We don't do a traditional "Seder".  Oops, let me rephrase that.  We don't do the traditional Jewish Seder.  We do have a tradition of our own.  Weather permitting, we gather in our backyard with friends and some family.  Most are Jews, but this is not a requirement.  For a matter of fact, there are no requirements at all.  We dress casually.  The only requirement that I'm aware of is that my wine glass stays filled. 

The atmosphere is light.  No formalities.  We do some light reading on the subject out of non-traditional writing and even sing a song or two.  There are wild beast and frogs and "flies" - all plastic.  We throw them at each other.  We eat, we drink, we chat.  We drink a bit more.  It's fun.  The credit all goes to Rachel who thought of the idea, designed it, and she's the one who makes it all happen.

And, how do I explain to myself the contradiction between knowing that the Egypt exodus never happened and celebrating it nevertheless?  Here's how:  family, friends, wine, fun.  If anybody asks me about the details of it all, then I'm always happy to share my knowledge.  Otherwise I just sip my wine.

What, you're eating bread on passover?  Shame, shame, shame on you!

When I was a kid in Israel we celebrated the Seder in the kibbutz among several hundreds people.  Although it was conducted in a secular way, it was still waaaaaay too long and we ate really late.  I hated it - like most kids. As I grew up, I skipped it altogether (or showed up late just for the meal).  I admit that I don't know enough about the Jewish religion.  But what I do know (or rather, feel), is that there is no fun in almost everything.  They try to teach you the stuff the hard, restrictive way.  And when there are so many restrictions and rules and regulations, those who are not directly involved tend to either shy away (in the best case) or rebel (worst case) or ignore it (the majority).  And there's quite a bit of guilt involved.  The bottom line is that the religion loses.  I'm always thinking:  If Judaism had more pleasant ways to introduce itself and teach, any chance it would have become more popular?  Since I understand well the history of Judaism (but not Judaism itself) from it very core, this question has nothing to do with who I am today.  It cannot change me. But I'm wondering about the past.  If it was different, how would I have been today?

who dat?

Even though none of that Jewish stuff is important to me personally, I feel fortunate that we found a non-traditional way to celebrate such holidays with our kids and community.  Not because of the holidays itself, which has no significance to me, but because it represents what is significant to some of us - opening of the mind, recognizing other cultures, respecting all people.  In a similar way I would happily sit down to a Christmas meal.  By doing so, I teach.  I teach that being kind and considerate and tolerant to all and open minded is more important than obeying an archaic set of rules that was put together by religious leaders thousands of years ago and which were relevant back then, not necessarily now.  And I teach that if you eat bread on Passover, nothing bad happens.  And you don't have to feel guilty for doing that. There are no consequences.  Some would argue with my teaching methods - no doubt.  Oh well, can't please everybody.  




Gone with the wind

In all previous Passover get-together's there were always many kids running around.  They were making their own Matzo and my job was to bake it on the open fire - just like it happened during the Exodus (the one that never happened, you know).  That was good because it gave me something to do, something dirty, something manly.  And, I was helping at the same time.  Bonus points for free.  My other job, which was more of a choice, was to sit with Liam.  Help her eat, keep her happy when all the reading was still going on.  Well, now the kids grew, we no longer do the messy Matzo business.  And now Liam is gone.  The wine and the company helped keep me happy, but it is always moments like this that makes me miss her so much.  When all the tables were cleaned and all the quests were gone I sat in front of the TV and watched a video of her.  And shed a tear or two.
 

Happy Passover

Today is Passover - the story of the great Exodus out of Egypt and how Israel became a nation.  Modern science knows by now - for sure - that factually and historically none of that ever happened.  But let's assume just for a minute that IT DID happen exactly as told.  For a matter if fact, let's go a step further and assume that every word in the Jewish Bible is true. 
If that is indeed the case, allow me to ask:  What kind of deal did we sign up for?  I mean, the Jewish people, ever since they became, well, Jewish, are constantly involved in persecution/war/hostility.  Neither the land nor the people ever experienced any period of peace.  Let's repeat that:  NEVER in thousands of years!  So why are we praising our God as the greatest (among all gods)?  Why do we keep repeating the same prayers if none ever worked for us?  Are we indeed the chosen people?  Chosen for what, life of misery?  Is it possible to choose not to be chosen?
Happy Passover, all.  Enjoy your Matzo.

Head Cleaning Techniques

WATCH OUT:  A HOLE!
I was just thinking to myself:  I was laid off from a few jobs in a short time; Liam got sick, than had a miserable year (redefining the word Miserable), which ended even worse; I don't like my current job.  How much worse can it still get?

Turns out that it wasn't the end.  Shortly after that thought, about two weeks ago, I was laid off - again!  So here is the sandwich:  got laid off in 03/2009, then Liam got sick (and eventually died), and I was laid off again, exactly two years since the last layoff.  To the hour.  Nine AM of 3/31.  The last day of the first quarter of the fiscal year. 

The first thing you feel when being laid off is confusion, I guess.  You still don't know how to chew on it.  Anger mixes with many question marks and with fear (for the well being of the family) and with even a few heaped tablespoons of "depression" (the double quotes since it's not really depression….it's just some temp depressing feelings).  And lots of lots of self pity.  In 2009 I was laid off from a company I loved working for, so the shock was really strong and didn't go away easily.  It felt like a son of a family who dad walk to the door and says "we love you, son, but your role as my son has ended (and dad gives no explanation).  Here's some money.  Please don't show your face here any more.  Good luck".  I was crushed.  This time around….well, we'll get to that soon.

The worst thing about unemployment, next to the unknown, is that it wraps around you at all times:  at home and on the road and with friends, in the evening, in the morning, at night.  All the time, nonstop.  You're under stress and worrying all the time, all the time, all the time.  It's exhausting.  In 2009 it grabbed me and I held on to it for the entire time I was unemployed. 

And that very much was the feeling on that day two weeks ago.

PAUSE.

Resume.

The day after I was laid off I went out on my bike.  When I ride I like to listen to all sort of podcasts I'm downloading (Fresh Air, Wait Wait, Car Talk, Think, etc).  Beside the fun in listening to something interesting which requires thinking, when you concentrate on what's entering your ears, you don't think about the everyday bullshit that you swim in.  It's a good and extremely affordable therapy.  Somewhere on the bike path to Stone Mountain I stopped to stretch a bit.  And as I'm raising my leg and lowering my head to stretch my hamstring a small thought is entering my mind:  "Hey, it could have been worse….what if on top of the layoff my back was bothering me?  And what if the roof was leaking?  Or the car broken?  So maybe not everything is so bleak.  Maybe there are reasons to still be happy."  And just like that I felt a huge bolder lifted off my shoulders.  I felt light and worry free.  A small switch and it was all over.  Can it really be that easy and simple to let go of the negative thought?

After a few more miles I thought I saw a guy carrying a recording equipment rides next to me and holding the mike between us:

Imaginary Interviewer:  Soooo, how do you feel?
Me:  You know what, I feel a lot better than before I started.  I feel light and free.  The self pity is gone.
II:  If it was so easy for you to let go of them, is there any reason why you should wrap yourself again in those negative thoughts?
me:  Is that a trick question?
II:  Common, think a bit.
me: Well, of course.  The answer can be found within the question itself.
II:  But the fact of the matter is that nothing has changed since the morning, right?  I mean, you're still unemployed, there's no income, there's still a huge uncertainty regarding the future.
me:  Is that a question?
II:  So what really changed?
me: The only thing that changed is my state of mind.  This morning I felt like I'm at the bottom of a deep, deep hole.  Now I'm feeling like I'm somewhere in the hole still, but not all the way at the bottom.  And the self pity is gone.
II:  And?
me:  And what?
II:  Please continue.
me:  There's no reason and certainty no gain in holding on to the negative thoughts.
II: and…..
me: Easier said than done.  This is only my first day in this round of unemployment.  It is very possible that more difficult days are ahead of me.  But it's good to know that I found a safe place.  It's good to know that I can let go of the negative mind.
II:  I'm listening.
me:  (what are you, a shrink?) So, if the situation will not change until I get a new job (assuming I will find one…), then the only thing which is under my control is my own mind.
II:  What about the hole?  Are you at the bottom?
me:  I guess you're not listing very well.  I just said I'm NOT at the bottom.
II:  So where are you?
me: I'm always searching how to climb up.  Call it stupidity or that I'm disconnected from reality.  Or, you may call it optimism.
II:  But how do you climb up?
me:  As usual, by grabbing and holding on to what's stable: family, love, friends, health, etc., etc., etc.
II:  Is it not depressing - to fall back into the hole every so often?
me:  What is my choice, to be depressed?  That's not me.  I believe in myself.  It's built into me.
II:  Is that what also helped you during the Lim ordeal?
me:  First of all, the so called "Liam ordeal" is not over yet.  Grief is a sticky material.  Secondly, I wouldn't bring Liam into this conversation.  While we're naturally positive people, it was impossible to apply optimism or pessimism to last year's impossible situation.  We tried all we could to help Liam find a way to stay with us.  When that was proved impossible our job turned to help Liam die in peace and with no pain.  Unlike the negative mind, the situation was unchangeable. 
And now, if you and your fancy recording equipment would excuse me,  I have a head wind and some steep hills to fight.

But he was gone already.  Or maybe he was never there.

(The above was written on April 3-4.  The negative thoughts have not returned since.)


WATCH OUT:  A WALL!
One, two, three, four, five, six….flags.  Huge rafters extending north-to-south.  Cross sections of crossed iron rods connect between the rafters.  Bolts the size of Italian sausages and nuts the size of onions mount the rafters.  I can count 25 east-to-west top cross rods in between the rafters.  Here's the ventilation hatch.  Here are more east-west criss-cross rods.  FLAGS!!!!  Six, five, four, three, two, one - wall!  Turn.  Push.  Clock.  Floats.

When I swim freestyle of breaststroke I use marks on the wall or the side of the pool to help me navigate through the vast water.  But when I'm on my back I concentrate on the ceiling of the natatorium.  Counting iron rods, beams, flags.  It's a true therapy for the mind (and it's far cheaper than a shrink).  Not thinking about anything, just counting.  Counting, counting, counting.  Listening to my waterproof music (the greatest human invention since seafood jambalaya). 

And I swim, swim, swim.  And while I do that, the mind clears.  It might be the chlorine from the pool that infiltrate my brain and cleans everything.  Or, maybe my arms are like windshield wipers - swoosh-swoosh-swoosh - moving all the thoughts out of the way.   Swoosh-swoosh-swoosh…..THE WALL, you idiot.  You were dreaming again.  Turn.  Push…four, five, six…flags.


Ahhh, finally the weekend
Looking for a job is a job on its own.  And it's an exhausting one - mostly mentally speaking. In the beginning you get a lot of bites.  Most of them boil down to nothing almost immediately.  Other fade away after several days.  It's like a roller-coaster.   Every email or a phone call is a new hope.  But when the hope shatters, you're back at zero.  Some days I'm busy, busy, busy all day with chasing leads.  On others I have nothing at all.  It's just important to put it all in perspective.  A day with no calls at all but maybe with a lunch with a friend of a friend might turn out to be far more promising than the busiest day of many contacts.  In other words, it's not the quantity that is important here but mostly who do you know.  I'm not too excited about the busiest days just like I'm not depressed from the quite days.  Well, at least not yet.  The problem is that you're constantly on high alert.  That's where the exhaustion originates from.

But on the weekend it's different.  On the weekend I'm just like the rest of you - working people.  I'm unlikely to get a phone call or an email from a recruiter.  I can let off my high guards.  I can rest…..unless a friend calls because he heard so-and-so and then you can't get for the weekend to end so you can look into it.