I almost made it. Really. All the way to the cemetery I was dry. Most of the ceremony I only had small leaks. Nothing serious. But when our friend Chuck performed with his guitar in front of the open grave, the dam was broken wide open. Not sure why. (Then, the water management engineer that's in me saw all the wasted water, got his shit together, and turned the wheel shut.)
The funeral, in case you missed it, was an "interesting" combination between Jewish tradition and Rachel's line of teaching in yoga. So there we were, Liam and I, on top of the hill, being attacked by gods from the east and from the further east. And all we want is pizza [non-dairy, off course] and beer. But don't be mistaken. The dam did not break open thanks to neither Elohim not Shiva and Kali and their friends. It did because 2-3 days earlier, when Liam was already dying, I went for a bike ride. And I heard three of Liam's songs coming up one after another:
Take me to the river
Bicycles
And some Jack Johnson song that I can't recall.
When I returned home, our good friend Chuck, who Liam loved hearing perform Take me to the river, was on the porch and I told him what I just heard. So when I heard the modified words in front of the open grave, all dams broke loose. I cried like a baby.
There were tons of people in the funeral, especially considering the quick sequence of events and the short notice. While there were many tears, I don't think that the atmosphere was sad. I, at least, cried out of huge mix of emotions - loss (but not sadness), love, care, seeing the so many people Liam somehow touched in her life, etc. It's amazing how a girl, which was so disabled physically, was able to infiltrate so many hearts. A quite infiltration, which did not insist, but also never gave up. And in pleasant and soft ways. And these, my friend, are the best ways to conquer.
Sadness
Comes to think about it, I'm not sure what sadness is or how it applies to us. Sure, I'm not happy that Liam's gone so you may say that if I'm not happy I must be sad. Maybe. But I prefer to look at it in a different way: Liam struggled with her health in the last year. The writing was on the wall. We got used to it and somewhere inside knew what to expect. This does not take away from the sadness, but it sorts of redefines it. Liam no longer suffers (dam). She gave it everything she had - literally. We gave her everything in our power to keep her alive or to keep her comfortable. What else could you ask for? She's free now (whatever that means) and she left a HUGE legacy and teaching behind her (we'll get into that sometimes later in this blog, I'm pretty sure). I think that all the people who were directly involved in Liam's life were amazed by her personality, her positive and happy attitude, her humor, the light and inspiration she spread without ever knowing it. All she did was ask for pizza.
Clarification
I have a weird built-in characteristic (some would call it a character flaw, I suspect): it's not that I don't know how to mourn, it's only that somehow I move forward right away. Some people might find that offensive. So if you see me happy, please understand. Maybe I'm in denial (I don't think so, but if it helps you accept me as such, hey, what the hell...) don't misunderstand me: I have my moments of tears. At the same time, I don't dwell on the past or the loss. I'm happy with the gift I received in Liam (a small dam) and I'm moving forward with what she left me.
Compromise
The funeral itself was a collaboration, a compromise if you will. I did not want a traditional Jewish funeral. I could not find the link between Liam's life and a bunch of birded rabbis, who don't even know her, say a bunch of archaic prays in the name of the Jewish faith, not Liam (there's more to the story of my relationships with Judaism in specific and religions in general, but that will come in a later post). I wanted a ceremony that will represent Liam's life carried by people who knew her first hand. However, there was a case of miscommunication and I ended up compromising for a mix of Jewish tradition with our wishes. I'm not sure I'm happy about the role that religion DID play in the funeral, however, I was very happy with the compromise. Not just the compromise I personally made (for the family, by-the-way, not for the religion), but the fact that Jews and Christians and Hindu and who-know-what-else all stood together and respected one another.
Such a thing could not have happen in Israel, for example, where the ceremony HAVE TO be Jewish (by law) and where the orthodox rabbi probably won't approve gays and lesbians and Yogi masters to take part in such ceremony. Compromise, that's the secret to world peace. I ain't joking. I'm very proud and thankful to all the organizers and participants who simply accepted and respected each other. Sounds simple, right? Well, if it's so simple, why do we have all the wars in the world?
I know I diverted from the subject you came here for. But Liam was part of me and this is who I am.
Chuck's speech and song
When Rachel asked me to speak about Liam, I thought about sharing one of the great stories we have had over the years, like the day Liam ran away and had Rachel and I running all over the neighborhood looking for her, but I kept coming back to a profound statement that Rachel had made at Liam's Bat Mitzvah. The tradition of the Bat Mitzvah required Liam to do some type of social project. Rachel said that Liam's project had been all of us all these years. It made me think about Liam's great purpose in life.
I met Liam when we moved to Hardendorf in 1998. You know how when you meet someone, you can look in to their eyes and see either their lightness or darkness. Liam was this spectacular little girl you had ever met - not because of the wheelchair or the physical limitations, but because she had the brightest light you had ever seen. This glow, not her wheelchair, attracted everyone to her. Even the kids surrounded themselves around her. I had to great pleasure of watching Liam and her sister grow up over the years.
But what was Liam's great purpose in life?
Let me digress. I have always seen the god's in heaven with this big jigsaw puzzle, piecing them together, each puzzle being our lives. We never know what the picture is going to be until they have finished with the puzzle. They connect the pieces over the years and we just fall in to place. Here's a piece where Chris and I move to Hardendorf. Here's a piece where we bond with Asher and Rachel and become friends. Here's a piece here, and a piece there. The god's try to put a piece in where Chris and I moving away, but the piece doesn't quite fit just yet. Here's a piece where I meet a guy named Jason at the gym who has so much darkness in his eyes. I get him to come to my yoga class. Here's the piece where he connects with the Kashi community. Here's the piece where Jason, now Rudra, meets Liam at Kashi. Here's the piece where Chris and I move from Hardendorf leaving this space for Rudra to fit in to the family's life. Here is a piece where Rudra becomes Liam's best friend.
Rudra once said that I had probably saved his life when I got him to come to that first yoga class. He was wrong. I was just part of the puzzle that was putting him with Liam. Liam saved his life. When you look in to his eyes, you now see a piece of Liam's light. In fact, look around, you will see a piece of Liam's light in every one of us.
Liam's puzzle is now complete. We see the full picture. Liam's greatest purpose in life was to share her light. We were her great project.
We have all learned from Liam. She didn't live in the past. She didn't live in the future. She lived in the present. You can't live fully unless you live in the present. How are you going to use that part of Liam's light that she has shared with you today to live fully?
Don't know why, nothing I can do
All the things, that you put me through
Love is a notion, I can't forget
My sweet Liam, I can't forget
I wanna know, can you tell me?
I want to know!
Take me to the river
Wash me in the water
Take me to the river
Wash me in the water
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