Margarita(s)

Grief vs. Mourning
"So, how are you doing, Asher" people ask me.  "How is it going" and "how are these days" (after Liam's death), "how are you coping" and etc. such questions.  I'm sort of ok, I think, but am not sure how to answer such questions.  The answer in most cases is not a simple one.

Since I speak fluent English only during sporting events, I tried to look-up the differences between grief and mourning and see where I fit into it.  If you google it, you'd find tons of pages dealing with the subject, but the gist of it is (copied from one web site):

Grief is the collection of emotions felt after a loss. It includes denial, shock, pain, confusion, and isolation. These feelings help us process loss. Grief is normal after the death of a loved one, loss of a home to fire..... 

Mourning is the outward manifestation of grief. It differs by religion, culture, gender, age, and other variables. Crying is an example of mourning.

Ok, so where am I in all this?  Do I grieve?  Most definitely.  I don't think I'm experiencing any of the above, but I'm sad occasionally. 
Do I mourn?  Also "yes".  Tears still flood me every now and then (but than again, I was always a cry-baby).  I remember when growing up in Israel, when a family lost a loved one during a war or other security-related incident, the family - specifically the parents - became heart-broken.  The light in their eyes was gone - FOREVER.  Their whole being reflected the pain and sadness ALL THE TIME.  It was terrible to witness it, but that was also part of such society (which is living in survival mode for generations).  
Well, I'm not like that. Even when I'm sad, it only lasts a few seconds, maybe a few minutes.  Never lasts longer than that.  Otherwise, I'm pretty good.  I live, I lough, I enjoy what's here and now.  At the same time, sometimes there are "sadder" moments:

• When I'm thinking about Liam's very last minutes, the very last breaths she took.
• When somebody, who didn't know about her ordeal, asks about her (and I have to tell the whole story...wish I could just "throw" the blog on them and say here, read that).
• Sometimes when just the three of us sit together for dinner.  Even during some of the most difficult times in the hospital, we were still a complete family.  Divided, suffering, tired, but one whole family.
• When I visit her grave.  (I'm trying to time it such that after that I'll pay another visit to Nuevo Laredo, which is located just outside the cemetery gates....maybe I should reverse the strategy.  Maybe after a few margaritas the visit to the grave will be a bit easier.)
• When I lay in bed and look at her pictures.
• When I say the words "Liam is dead".

But when I see and hear her on a video clip, I'm not sad at all.  I'm laughing with her.  And I miss her.  I miss her sooooooo much.


Facebook
I'm not sure I get it when people put such status on Facebook as "going to the park" or "sitting on the porch" or "sitting at the airport....heading to so-and-so".  Like who gives a rat's ass?  (And I admit I'm probably do it too - occasionally.)  And then the rest of us put a "Like" on such status.  WHY????
Sometimes I feel like putting the status "just returned from the cemetery....nothing changed there".  Can you guess how many "Like"s I will get, boys and girls?

 
Snow
(Just for documentation purposes:  on 1/9/11 a major winter storm dumped 4-5 inches of snow on Atlanta.)
I took a walk today to check out the roads (what?  no, not for the exercise...who gave you that idea?)  Saw very few cars.  Idiots?  Not necessarily. I'm not making any judgment.  Some people HAVE TO get to work. So let's see:

• Driving slowly with two hands on the wheel on a major road - ah, you got the benefit of the doubt.
• Speeding on an icy road - not smart.
• Looking for an open restaurant - common!!
• Talking on the phone while driving in these conditions?  Yes, you're an idiot.

In general, despite the don't-have-to-drive-to-the-office part, I'm not crazy about this weather.  Definitely not the ice.  But there are several great things in it:  When nobody can go anywhere or do anything except for shoveling their driveway, it slows everything down.  All the usual rushes of the everyday are gone. And it makes you think:  why are we rushing all the time anyway?  Is there any justification (or need) for that or are we just creating new needs that we don't really need?  After I win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing with my life is s--l--o--w--i--n--g everything down.  Taking a long snow day, eh, days.

So when I took a walk today I was thinking:
If Liam was still alive, it would have been a nightmare to get her out of the house.  Never mind clearing the driveway (which is a difficult task on its own), but how would the wheelchair make it in the snow?  And, never mind going for a walk either.  What if we needed to rush her to the hospital, like we did so many times last winter? 

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But, it's NFL playoff time.  And when Liam heard football and margarita in the same conversation, her eyes shined.  She knew.